With apologies to Kissing Suzy Kolber
Bryan Fuller sits alone in his apartment. He looks over at the phone. Nothing. He checks his e-mail. Nothing.
Bryan: Oh Caroline, why won’t ABC talk to me anymore?
Caroline: Meowwwwww.
The phone rings. Bryan lunges at it.
Bryan: Hello! (Pause) No, I wouldn’t like to change my cell phone plan.
Suddenly a loud banging starts at the door.
Bryan: Who is it?
The banging continues.
Bryan: I’m coming!
Suddenly there’s a loud smash and the door explodes. Shards of wood fly everywhere. Appearing in the debris is Tim Kring. He chews gum, causing his teeth to smack together very loudly.
Tim Kring: What’s up, bra? Its me. Tim Kring.
Bryan: Yes, I know its you. You don’t have to explain everything like I was stupid.
Tim: I’m just making sure you get what’s going on here. How’s your pussy show going?
Bryan: You mean Pushing Daisies.
Tim: Yeah, that’s the shit.
Bryan: Its going fine.
Tim: Really, cuz that’s not what I heard. They cancelled it yet?
Bryan: I don’t know, I haven’t heard anything yet!
Tim: Well, that’s too bad. You know, if you want to come work on a REAL, MANLY TV show, we could always find some space for you at Heroes.
Bryan: I already said I’d think about going back if Pushing Daisies got canceled.
Tim: Oh, really? Well, hang on one sec.
Tim pulls out an iPhone and begins tapping rapidly. Then he stops.
Tim: Guess what, I just used all the clout I have from writing one of TVs most popular shows to get your little baby show cancelled!
Bryan: No you didn’t. Our shows are on totally different networks.
Tim: Yeah, but my show has something your gay little show doesn’t. VIEWERS!!!! So why don’t you take your water colors out of your vagina and come work on a TV show where shit EXPLODES!
Bryan: I don’t really understand what you just-
Tim: SHUT UP YOU WORDY DOUCHENOZZLE! EVER SINCE YOU’VE LEFT ITS ALL ‘WHERE’S BRYAN FULLER? WHY DOES HEROES SUCK?’ I’M SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT.
This rant causes Tim to spit his gum out. It hits Caroline who begins rolling around on the floor in the most adorable way imaginable.
Bryan: Is everything okay, Tim?
Tim: Now you want to talk about my feelings??? WELL FUCK YOU FULLER! AND FUCK YOUR PIXIE SHOW! Just because you can write witty characters with real emotions everyone thinks you’re a genius? WELL WHAT ABOUT TIM MOTHERFUCKING KRING? I created HEROES AND CROSSING JORDAN!!
Bryan: Look, as long as Pushing Daisies is on the air, I’m not coming to work on Heroes.
Tim: WELL YOU CAN LICK MY NUTS, FUCKSTICK!
Tim rushes towards Bryan. Bryan kicks Tim in the shin. He fails to floor writhing in pain
Tim: (sobbing a little) Why, Fuller? Why!?! That hurts. Damnit! I need some of that cheerleader’s blood! Stat!
Enter Sylar
Bryan: What is this?
Tim: (still on the floor) That’s right dipshit. The tables have fucking turned. If you won’t come to work for me then I'll just have Sylar here kill you and take your writing ability.
Sylar: Um…actually Tim, I’m good now. Remember?
Tim: Well, I need you to be evil again. So take your pointy ears and large forehead and start eating some brains!
Sylar: I don’t eat brains!!!!
Bryan: Then what do you do?
Sylar: I…um…I…Tim what do I do?
Tim: Well he…You know, he…It involves…WHAT DOES IT MATTER??? HE’S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER WITH GODDAMN SUPERPOWERS!!!
Sylar: But I’m trying to redeem myself!
Tim: Yeah, but not now. I need you to EVIL SOME SHIT UP!!!
Sylar: But…that doesn’t make any sense?
Tim: What do you mean?
Sylar: There’s no logic to that. That’s not how people work.
Tim: I don’t follow.
A long pause as Tim considers this
Bryan: (sighs) That’s okay Tim. That’s okay.
Bryan walks over and helps Tim up. Tim walks over and joins Sylar and the two of them start to leave.
Sylar: I’ll buy you a new door Bryan.
Tim: That’s okay. I’ll just go back in time and stop the door from being smashed! Or we can heal it with Claire’s blood! Or the pieces of the door can be sent off to separate places around the world and then spend 11 episodes trying to reunite with each other!
Tim and Sylar exit. Bryan looks over at Caroline
Bryan: Please let Pushing Daisies stay on the air.
Caroline: Meowwwwwww!
THE END
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